Thursday, September 22, 2011

Welcome to the World Little Man!

I know this post is long overdue and some people have been asking why I haven't done it yet. My answer is plain and simple, I have been busy taking care of a new baby and he is the center of my world now. But, since he is peacefully sleeping I finally have a little time to write. This post will be long and somewhat graphic. So, if either of those things scare you, I have warned you.

Let's start on Tuesday August 23rd. At about midnight that night, I just couldn't sleep and was very uncomfortable. Then I noticed that I was having lower abdominal pains and they were consistent. I googled what contractions should feel like and decided that is what was happening. So, after that, I started timing the contractions and they were about 8-10 minutes apart. I waited until about 3 am and I finally decided they weren't going away and that I should wake up Jon. I wake him up and he just stares at me. After about 10 minutes he asks what I needed and I said we need to go to the hospital and so he gets ready and we make our trek to the hospital.

We get to the hospital at about 4 am. They hook me up to the monitors and check me. I am only 1 1/2 centimeters dilated. I am upset because I know this means that they are probably going to send me home. So, before they do that, the nurse takes my vitals and notices that my blood pressure is kinda high. She asks if this is normal for me and I tell her that it has been going up the last few weeks and my doctor has been keeping an eye on it. Armed with that information she goes to call my doctor to see what she wants me to do. A few minutes later, the phone in my room starts ringing and Jon answers it. It is my doctor and Jon hands me the phone. She starts by saying that she knows I want to go all natural and that I wanted a drug free vaginal delivery but, with my blood pressure so high, that isn't an option anymore. She tells me that my options are for induction with high pitocin or low pitocin. By 7 am they have admitted me and put me up in my room and started my pitocin.

The contractions are coming pretty regularly with the pitocin now. I was wanting to use Hypnobirthing for labor, which is where you learn to hypnotize yourself to relax through the pain but, with little to no sleep for more than 24 hours at this point, I just could not relax. By that afternoon I am asking for an epidural, not because I am in excruciating pain, but because I just want to relax and be able to rest. At 4 that afternoon my favorite person, the anesthesiologist, comes in and give me my epidural. I am finally able to relax and sleep for a couple of hours and Jon goes and gets some dinner.

After Jon comes back, the nurse comes into check me and I am still dilated to 1 1/2 centimeters. She calls the doctor and she wants to use cervadil overnight to help soften my cervix so it will work with the pitocin and help me dialate better. They stop the pitocin and give me the cervadil and an ambien to help me sleep. I don't remember much after that. I wake up the next morning and the nurse takes out the cervadil and I have effaced a little bit but, not much and dilated to a full 2 centimeters. She goes out and calls the doctor. My doctor wants to restart the pitocin to see if they can get me dilated enough to break my water and hopefully speed things up that way.

I am on the pitocin all day and my doctor comes in that evening to check how dilated I am. I have progressed to 3 centimeters. She brings up the dreaded c-section conversation and I decline that idea. So, trying to give me the vaginal delivery I so desperately want, she agrees to keep the pitocin on all night and see if overnight they can break my water. After she leaves, I start feeling contractions all down my back and I am not a happy camper. I ask for a boost in my epidural and they come in and administer more meds. After about 15 minutes they come to see if I have gotten any relief and I tell the anthestsiologist that I still feel everything. He checks the epidural catheter and it has come out. So, he tells me I am going to have to have it replaced. He comes in a few minutes later and I get a new epidural. After that I am happier and able to rest a little that evening.

At about 4 am Thursday morning the nurse comes to check me and I have made it to the magical number of 4 centimeters and she calls the on-call doctor to come and break my water. The doctor comes in and asks me how long I have been there and I tell him and he looks at me and rolls his eyes and I can tell he thinks I am absolutely crazy for letting myself go through all this just because I want a vaginal delivery. He breaks my water really quick and walks out of the room. All of a sudden I feel a HUGE gush of fluid and ask the nurse if this is normal to have this much fluid and she says yes. Then all of sudden I hear her say oh, crap and fluid starts gushing off the bed. She calls for another nurse and runs to get more towels. She tells me that I have a TON of fluid, lots more than most. She and the other nurse run in and start cleaning up the fluid off the floor.

After they break my water, they are able to hook up internal monitors to see if my contractions are adequate enough to say I am in active labor. To help me along, they crank the pitocin up a ton to almost as high as it will go. The monitors say that my contractions are not adequate enough to say I am in active labor. The nurse tells me this and I immediately get upset. Then, my room phone rings and it is my doctor. She tells me that at this point with my water broken and my contractions not strong enough, we don't have anymore options and I will have to have a c-section. She asks me if I upset and I say no but then immediately start crying. At this point, it is about 2 pm. The anesthesiologist comes in to up my epidural for the c-section and the nurse gives Jon all his scrubs that he will have to wear for the surgery. The next thing I know I am whisked away to the Operating Room. The OB and my doctor are at the door of the operating room waiting for me. The OB goes over all the risks of the surgery and my doctor is just holding my hand and rubbing it to help me try to relax, telling me that everything will alright.

They get me on the operating table and I start to get scared at this point. They start poking me asking me if I can feel anything and I can a little so I get a booster in my epidural. At 2:57 they start operating. They tell me I shouldn't feel anything, but HOLY CRAP it hurt so freaking bad!!! I wanted to run off the table! I tell Jon how bad it hurts and the anthesiologist hears me and tells me he has a sedative he can give me. I tell him no because I didn't go through all this to be asleep when my son was born. As I am breathing through the pain, I hear my doctor say, I see lots of hair!! I ask what color and she says she doesn't know yet. Then, at 3:03 pm, the next thing I hear her say is, You are a Mom!! I look up and she is holding my son up over the drape. I can't even take it in, it feels so surreal. All I can think is, this isn't my life, this kinda stuff happens in the movies. He starts crying and the nurse and respiratory therapist are checking him out in the room next door. At this point, I see the panic set in on Jon's face. He is torn, looking at me and then over to where our baby is. He asks me what I want him to do, and I tell him to go be with our son. He goes to where he is and all of a sudden, I get super sleepy. Next thing I know, Jon comes and sits down next to me and he is holding our son. I am in such awe, most amazing feeling in my life!! This little thing that I love so much that I created with the man that I love, I was on cloud nine!

After they finish sewing me up, they take me back to my room and I FINALLY get to hold my son! I look at him and he is the most beautiful thing I have EVER seen. The nurse asks if I want to nurse my son and I tell her that I do and she shows me kind of what to do and I nurse him for a few minutes. Then Jon holds him while the nurse checks me out. We are there for about another 30-45 minutes and they wheel me over to my maternity room. As they are taking me over, they play a lullaby to signify another baby being born. Now, during this 2 day stay I have heard this same lullaby about 20 times for other moms and babies and when I hear it finally playing for me and my baby, I say,"It's about damn time, it's my turn now!" It was the best music I had ever heard!

We decided to name our little man, Evan McLean just like we had planned. He is the best thing to ever happen to us. Even though my birth didn't go at all according to my plans, I am so happy we are both healthy and happy. I am glad that I had a doctor that was so willing to try and give me the birth I so badly desired. She was definitely the best doctor for me. My son is absolutely perfect and I love him so much. Now, since you have all been so patient, here are some cute pictures of Evan!


Right after he was born, weighing in at 6 lbs. 13 ozs. and 21 inches long.


Typical newborn picture in the nursery


Look at those chubby cheeks, I love them!


The best nurse ever, Melissa, with us while Evan had to be in a "tanning bed" for his jaundice.


Look at his big blue eyes, with the teddy bear his Grandma Casper made for him.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Happy Angel Day

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my Mom's passing. It has been one crazy year, with lots of up and downs. Yet, always in the back of my mind is my Mom. Of course the most obvious change in my life this year has been getting pregnant. As I write this, I am 3 weeks away from delivering her 8th grandchild. Also, in this year I have gotten a new job and a new car, all very exciting things. There is a part of my that longs to be able to call her and talk to her about all the exciting things going on in my life. At first it made me sad that I couldn't call her, now it just makes me laugh to myself and think, why do I need to call her, I know she knows everything that is going on in my life.
As this event passes on in my life, it leads me to wonder what my Mom would want me to learn and focus on in my life. I truly believe the one thing she would want me to focus on the most, is my impending role of Mother to my son. I know that her greatest joy in life was being a mother and that she would want me to feel the same way. So to honor her and her memory, I hope I can be a great mother to my son. I feel like I need to write him and tell how I feel about him.

Dear Evan,
I am so excited for your impending arrival to our family. Your dad and I look forward to being your parents and teaching you new and exciting things. You were wanted very much loved even before your existence. We hope to be able to lead you and guide you to honor your Heavenly Father.
I hope that as your Mother I will be able to love you and give you all the things a mother should. I hope that I can teach your about Grammie and what a loving person she was.
I can't wait to hold you in my arms and hug and kiss you. I look forward to reading and singing to you. I hope that you will learn to love reading and music like your father and I both do. I am excited to watch you grow and learn about the world all around you.
Lastly, I think you should know about the name we have chosen for you. Your first name is after a few people. Evan is the first name of the stake patriarch where I grew up. He was a righteous and loving man. He had a strong and amazing testimony of the Church and showed this by his example. He gave me my first priesthood blessing along with Granddaddy when I was just a few hours old in the NICU. Grammie, Granddaddy and I all believe that it was because of him and his faithfulness that I am still alive today. Also, Evan is the name of a friend of your Dad. He has taught your dad how to play the piano and sing. He is a great man with a great talent and a passion for music. We hope that you can grow into your name and be a man of faith with a passion for music. If you don't have a passion, that is ok too, we will still love you and help you develop your God-given talents.
Next, your middle name, McLean comes from the last name of a friend of ours. This person is also musical, but more importantly he loves others and has a strong testimony of the Gospel. We hope that you can learn from him to rely on your faith and develop a relationship with your Heavenly Father.
Hopefully, you can understand how much we love you and how much thought has gone into your name and the planning for your upcoming arrival. We can't wait to meet you!

Love Always and Forever,

Mom

And just because I know all of you want to see a picture of how cute our son is, here you go.








Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mother's Day-Without a Mom

Dear Mom,
This is going to be my first Mother's Day without you. And frankly, it makes me really sad. While I am happy that I had you in my life for 27 years, it just feels strange to be this young and be celebrating this special day without you here with me.
I have so many mixed emotions going into this day. On one hand, I want to celebrate the amazing Mom I had. To tell everyone how awesome you were and how blessed I feel to have had you in my life. On the other hand, I want to scream at the top of my lungs how unfair it is to not have my Mom anymore. I want to sit in a corner and cry and not talk to anybody. I just want to be sad and miss you.
But I also have so many things to be grateful for. Most of all, I feel so blessed to be pregnant with your grandchild. I know that you played a large part in my having this baby. I know it was your way of reaching out to me and letting me know that you are still around me and watching over me. The bond I feel with this child is like nothing I have ever experienced. Now, I sort of feel the way you felt about me and the love you have for me.
I hope you are playing with my son and letting him know how much you love him and giving him all the love you can while he can still be with you. I hope he has the blonde hair and blue eyes you were always hoping for in a grandchild. I know that as I raise him and watch him grow that you will be there in spirit helping me know what to do.
As I become a Mother and love my son and teach him all the things he should know, I hope you are proud of me. Thank you for giving me love and being such a good example of what a mother should be. I love you and I am so fortunate to be your daughter.

Love Always and Forever,

Sarah